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Friday, July 13, 2012

R

"There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringin me out the dark...." Adele
We should've had it all... Gata

The 1st song to play on my ipod on the morning of12 July 2012. Such irony that just the 1st two lines applied to me but the song in harsh reality applied to the 1 left scarred and broken... why was this day so significant to me. It was my friend Tania's and Preeti's bdays; it was the day after I completed a year to my milestone surgery; day I wld acknowledge the truth in its real light as I see it and the day after I last saw R. I cried bitterly on my way to work and could not make it stop.
There is a storm and u live in its pathway in a small but sturdy hut. However, the door hinges r bad and no matter what u do, the door keeps swinging recklessly with the wind and won't shut. Then u jam it shut with all ur might and are content its shut. Moments after u leave, that door is still ajar and gently swaying with the ever-teasing wind. U notice but u let it go as long as it’s almost closed. Then that 1 darned gust of wind and rain and all it picked up on the way hits ur tiny hut - the door swings wildly open, rusty hinges give way, leaving u bare and defenceless in the path of an unforgettable storm... That hut is my heart. The door is the chapter I thought I closed with R. The swinging was me avoiding a possible reconciliation. The final straw was last night when I realized the biggest mistake of my life when the whole hut and everything with it blew away to shreds.
R was, is and seemingly possibly will remain the love of my life, my soul mate. A soul mate not as my ex-boyfriend, lover, husband et al. Soul mate for simply being present in my life. His soul was enough to make up for his and mine. We were 1 in the truest sense of the word. I did the math and let it become two separate broken pieces.
One could never tell where he or I ended and the other started as 2 separate beings in the flesh. We were the envy of all around us. I loved being his trophy and his arm candy.. His lady love right from the chaatwaala in 2nd street @ Shastri Nagar to the Marriott and WESTIN. Every laundry shop, grocery store, general store, shops, maintenance etc. identified me as Mrs. Ratish Nair (not even to-be). I was in heaven. A girl couldn’t ask for more love, security, validation and someone who kept her virtually 24x7 on a pedestal. He was to be the best husband and the most doting father I would have ever pictured of him. I knew him and he knew me. I had it all.
But like all fairy tales, this one too had its pitfalls. We were so compartmentalized in our bubble that the bubble became world-resistant. We could not function without each other. Apart from our professional commitments, which were galaxies apart, everything about us screamed identical twins. Yet within our bubble, we balanced each other beautifully. I handled his eccentricities and he my cat-like qualities. I was prissy, moody, childish, childlike, stupid, curious, hyperactive, and always craving his attention. The best part was he loved giving me attention. That he had eyes for me would be an understatement. He was my personal surveillance unit. No one knew me as well as he did to the point of predicting dead-on what was expected of me next. He was prince charming in all his glory and yet he was the humble one who rolled in the mud and cement and tears and my stubbornness. I was the fish and he the bull. Yet I absorbed and reflected all his qualities and he turned into the Piscean. He role played beautifully and knew when my ‘yes’ meant ‘no’ and my ‘no’ meant ‘yes’. In the words of my mother, no one could and would control me like he could. He achieved what my own family couldn’t in the years they tried. He turned me from a tomboyish mess of a blob into a beautiful fairy-tale overnight. I went from unnoticed to straight on the billboard at Times Square, NY. For the 1sttime in my life, I had others envy me for nearly everything including his presence in my life. I felt excessively undeserving of him and in that haste of thought and emotion I did innumerable unbelievable things just to show my love and my dedication… except our tunes were different. I was so handicapped without him that I couldn’t buy a toothbrush without him. This would later become a harsh reality when I broke down 1ce just buying a plain ol’ toothbrush. For me he was the pink diamond in the mines of diamond around the world. The kind that Solomon Vandy would risk his life for and treasure to buy him back his freedom and his family in the face of adversity. R was indeed my rose pink diamond.
Why oh why do I not have him now? Compartmentalization for both and unsensitization for me. I had been bitten by the 6yr itch and how. I wanted to scratch the bubble and just peak out. Following his resistance to what he predicted would be the end of our innocence; I tore a gaping hole and jumped right out into anything and everything. I behaved like a juvenile delinquent, a runaway, a reckless teen on a mindful mission to rebel against the good and bad that R would have thought or projected for me. He cried, he suffered, he regretted the bird in cage syndrome and he paid for it. He forgave, accepted, and moulded himself. But my overexposed mind was no longer kind to this poor unsuspecting soul and he was no longer the charming prince I fell in love with. I tried and tried to bring that feeling back, recreation attempts fell flat like a poorly timed pudding in the oven that looks pretty for but a few seconds and then caves in revealing the gooey mixture that never made it. Around this time, I also got a lot of attn. from the opp. side of the boundary. I knew I couldn’t venture there but the attn. was exhilarating and only reinforced my stubbornness to be out there and not come back. I have to say that 99.99% guys would leave and flee but he stayed on. He believed and prayed and wished and hoped. He worked and worked and chased and worked. Today when I look back I see the most patient man ever. The kind that are shot down only to be valued and appreciated much too late in life. I ran around like a wild cat knowing well I was shadowed and covered from all of life’s harms… until there was no one chasing me i.e. R.
R nearly is a creation from the big guy up there. I always wondered where he gathered all that …. whatever good things he had, from. He almost made me look like a confirmed sinner. I felt that last evening when I asked him to meet me for dinner. From sheer heartbreak, he was leaving the country for good I understand. He wore the shirt that resembled the one I loved most. The brown in his shirt matched his coffee brown skin and I missed his shoulders that had embraced and supported me a countless times in good and ugly. He seemed so sure and yet made the least eye contact (his eyes had the kindest warmest look ever). I stared at him almost to the point of shamelessness. I was so taken in by him and questions and sentences ran helter skelter in my mind like people running from a burning bldg. I knew it was over from the moment he arrived and shook my hand and then reciprocated the awkward hug I gave him. He talked a lot about his work and plans and all. I couldn’t help but watch this new person carefully hiding the being I had loved more than my life. I had dressed up for the dinner. I wanted to look pretty, not attractive. I wanted to make an effort to show that I had thought about this dinner…. Farewell dinner. Midway when he took a call from friends and work I msgd my twin and alter ego Supresa that I just realized what a bloody hell of a mistake I made by letting him go. I fought tears through entré and main course as I pretended to dish out some strange giggles and even take a single picture of him. A picture of US was out of bounds now. I mustered the courage to apologize for the heartache that caused to both him and me and for not having faith in him to continue. He was gracious and awkward and didn’t lash back. He was soooo mature. I shrunk under the table, almost. I felt small and lost and again like the girl who couldn’t buy toothbrush without him around. He was now the one I let go and I am the one that got away. 
I see now that I chose to play the villain where I considered someone else the villain for nearly a year. It takes a lot of heart smashing to admit ur mistakes and contributions to something like this and hope to survive it. I hope I survive it. It’s been the worst night and morning in a while where you feel your heart racing (literally) and feel the need to jump into the ice cold Pacific and swim against all odds to make it to the shore. Possibly the cold would numb every physiological tell-tale sign of my heart break and the adrenaline would give me the strength to get through the mess I contributed to… I love R, always will…

Song playing... Coldplay - every tear is a waterfall...