Backpacker (Gokarna): Paradise…

Sun sand surf sunset sunrise serenity simple surrendering sweet swim sensual – all in 1

Abeer’s dad said to him that if you REALLY wanna know a person, travel with him/her/them. Nothing invokes raw personalities and characters whilst on an unknown terrain and situation. I kept this thought in mind.

We reached Gokarna at 3:00am and camped out at the surprisingly well-equipped and pristinely well maintained (by that I mean spotless) Gokarna Road Station. There were several student revellers post the recent board exams so we helped out 2 young girls with transport and reaching Kudle along with us in the morning. The journey was fun and sweet. We captured some moments on camera as the train trailed through the slightly inward Konkan coast. Watched how guards sent signals and managed an ever-running-never-stopping Indian railway system, which still employs manual labor and skills across the country. A thought that makes me smile.

Gokarna was trekking walking trudging and exercise from the word ‘Go’ ‘karna’ – a play on we have to do it on the mark. I was pleasantly surprised by this extremely small beach-town so interwoven and colourful yet so modern and humble. There was seva everywhere. Tourists thronged every nook and corner – mostly hippies, yogis, long-term vacationers and part time marvellers. What was common between them all was they were all comfortably and barely dressed, some even without footwear and they were all over Gokarna like they would walk through their living rooms back home. It was a v v beautiful sight and something Abeer and I can relate to. The temples and the facilities are all walking distance but mind you there is nothing that you will need in Gokarna and it isn’t there. Nope… it’s ALL there. The tourist attraction hasn’t upped the greed scale of this place like other destinations in India and that’s why I never argued much about paying for anything cuz it was always in INR 100s…

Our stay was comfortable at best. I see the logic now as we barely stayed indoors. Just came to take 1 of many 100 showers in the day and change there. Our room became a laundromat come baking oven. It was supremely hot but since we had dragged our tired feet through deep dry sand across Kudle beach at 6:30am and were told no shacks, huts, rooms or even beds were available… we took this 1. We were glad we did and I would go back there anytime. Ref: Sea View Resort. Don’t be fooled by the exotic names. They are v v bare basic living quarters and for INR 400/- a night they were easy on Abeer and my travel pockets. Abeer kept drilling in my head too that we were backpackers and backpacker stay was the way to go. My biggest pet peeve was bathrooms ALWAYS. I REAAAAALLLLYYY had to let this 1 go as I shared common toilets and showers with all other roomies at the resort. Abeer was understanding and always accommodating of my needs – something that I learnt on this trip on a deeper level. He didn’t leave me to fend for myself as a grown up capable woman. Rather he was far more caring and even watchful of me and my movements, needs, pangs etc. This was what I was looking for in this trip – to learn about each other.

Happy feet boating through all 4 beaches!

I watched as he soaked in not doing anything. We barely had 2 days so there were times it felt like we had nothing to do and then moments later an awesome plan would fall into place. In 2 days we visited Kulde, Om, Half moon and Paradise beach, went boating on the local fishing catamarans, trekked through scenic and sometimes wretched terrain between beaches separated by rocky hills, watched the most beautiful sunrise and sunsets, tried more than 5 eating joints, marvelled at every meal and bottle of beer (thank you UB for keeping us sorted), and swam a lot. I was happiest in my bare minimums. Happy that I could wear and look like whatever at any time of the darned day and no one would judge or gossip about it. I felt my skin soak in everything and was open to wearing my bikini for the 1^st time as well as get tanned. Most of all I was happiest that Abeer and I made this trip. We were childlike and hungry and thirsty altogether. We went about town and even visited the local most famous temple – Mahabaleshwara. There was minor drama when we were down to planning the next leg of our trip – Abeer always changes his mind every 20mins. Something he proudly calls not planning and going with the flow. I wasn’t following the flow cuz it changes streams and directions all too many times. We finally settled on our Kerala tour map and planned the next leg of the trip.

It’s amazing how a change in destination and setting can change or alter your relationship. I had been on mini 1s with him but this was our 1^st big one. I like how much of a beach bum, raw and amazing Abeer gets in such places. Like me, he is a water baby. The tropics calm us. The intimacy takes several detours (all good 1s) and vacation romancing your boyfriend is a new thrill. I was sold. I was excited for more exhaustive days ahead and having really chilled at Gokarna, I was all set to rough it out. 1 of the memorable moments of this trip was trekking it to Om beach for a romantic dinner at Namaste Café and beers at the Dolphin Café. We witnessed a live police drill with the youngest graduates of the Gokarna Police Acad versus some long term hippies (I guess that’s the term) who indulged alternately in water and beer and had interesting conversations that made no dynamic sense on a beach. We still felt like it was the right place. 

Sunset at Om beach from Dolphin Cafe -
the perfect perch to capture this view!
P.S. Recommend a beer with a loved 1 :)

I miss Gokarna. I do. I miss what it gave me till Sunday 17:00pm IST. It gave me my Abeer in a very loving interesting fun crazy and himself form. It gave me his and mine 1^st trip. It gave me his time and some of his undivided attention. It gave me backpacking story –I’ll be honest this was barely backpacking in the true sense and I am looking fwd to a new rugged 1. It gave me a weekend away from the city and some of its prime evils. It gave me until it decide to take some… (next post)

R

"There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringin me out the dark...." Adele
We should've had it all... Gata

The 1^st song to play on my ipod on the morning of12 July 2012. Such irony that just the 1^st two lines applied to me but the song in harsh reality applied to the 1 left scarred and broken... why was this day so significant to me. It was my friend Tania's and Preeti's bdays; it was the day after I completed a year to my milestone surgery; day I wld acknowledge the truth in its real light as I see it and the day after I last saw R. I cried bitterly on my way to work and could not make it stop.

There is a storm and u live in its pathway in a small but sturdy hut. However, the door hinges r bad and no matter what u do, the door keeps swinging recklessly with the wind and won't shut. Then u jam it shut with all ur might and are content its shut. Moments after u leave, that door is still ajar and gently swaying with the ever-teasing wind. U notice but u let it go as long as it’s almost closed. Then that 1 darned gust of wind and rain and all it picked up on the way hits ur tiny hut - the door swings wildly open, rusty hinges give way, leaving u bare and defenceless in the path of an unforgettable storm... That hut is my heart. The door is the chapter I thought I closed with R. The swinging was me avoiding a possible reconciliation. The final straw was last night when I realized the biggest mistake of my life when the whole hut and everything with it blew away to shreds.
R was, is and seemingly possibly will remain the love of my life, my soul mate. A soul mate not as my ex-boyfriend, lover, husband et al. Soul mate for simply being present in my life. His soul was enough to make up for his and mine. We were 1 in the truest sense of the word. I did the math and let it become two separate broken pieces.
One could never tell where he or I ended and the other started as 2 separate beings in the flesh. We were the envy of all around us. I loved being his trophy and his arm candy.. His lady love right from the chaatwaala in 2^nd street @ Shastri Nagar to the Marriott and WESTIN. Every laundry shop, grocery store, general store, shops, maintenance etc. identified me as Mrs. Ratish Nair (not even to-be). I was in heaven. A girl couldn’t ask for more love, security, validation and someone who kept her virtually 24x7 on a pedestal. He was to be the best husband and the most doting father I would have ever pictured of him. I knew him and he knew me. I had it all.
But like all fairy tales, this one too had its pitfalls. We were so compartmentalized in our bubble that the bubble became world-resistant. We could not function without each other. Apart from our professional commitments, which were galaxies apart, everything about us screamed identical twins. Yet within our bubble, we balanced each other beautifully. I handled his eccentricities and he my cat-like qualities. I was prissy, moody, childish, childlike, stupid, curious, hyperactive, and always craving his attention. The best part was he loved giving me attention. That he had eyes for me would be an understatement. He was my personal surveillance unit. No one knew me as well as he did to the point of predicting dead-on what was expected of me next. He was prince charming in all his glory and yet he was the humble one who rolled in the mud and cement and tears and my stubbornness. I was the fish and he the bull. Yet I absorbed and reflected all his qualities and he turned into the Piscean. He role played beautifully and knew when my ‘yes’ meant ‘no’ and my ‘no’ meant ‘yes’. In the words of my mother, no one could and would control me like he could. He achieved what my own family couldn’t in the years they tried. He turned me from a tomboyish mess of a blob into a beautiful fairy-tale overnight. I went from unnoticed to straight on the billboard at Times Square, NY. For the 1sttime in my life, I had others envy me for nearly everything including his presence in my life. I felt excessively undeserving of him and in that haste of thought and emotion I did innumerable unbelievable things just to show my love and my dedication… except our tunes were different. I was so handicapped without him that I couldn’t buy a toothbrush without him. This would later become a harsh reality when I broke down 1ce just buying a plain ol’ toothbrush. For me he was the pink diamond in the mines of diamond around the world. The kind that Solomon Vandy would risk his life for and treasure to buy him back his freedom and his family in the face of adversity. R was indeed my rose pink diamond.
Why oh why do I not have him now? Compartmentalization for both and unsensitization for me. I had been bitten by the 6yr itch and how. I wanted to scratch the bubble and just peak out. Following his resistance to what he predicted would be the end of our innocence; I tore a gaping hole and jumped right out into anything and everything. I behaved like a juvenile delinquent, a runaway, a reckless teen on a mindful mission to rebel against the good and bad that R would have thought or projected for me. He cried, he suffered, he regretted the bird in cage syndrome and he paid for it. He forgave, accepted, and moulded himself. But my overexposed mind was no longer kind to this poor unsuspecting soul and he was no longer the charming prince I fell in love with. I tried and tried to bring that feeling back, recreation attempts fell flat like a poorly timed pudding in the oven that looks pretty for but a few seconds and then caves in revealing the gooey mixture that never made it. Around this time, I also got a lot of attn. from the opp. side of the boundary. I knew I couldn’t venture there but the attn. was exhilarating and only reinforced my stubbornness to be out there and not come back. I have to say that 99.99% guys would leave and flee but he stayed on. He believed and prayed and wished and hoped. He worked and worked and chased and worked. Today when I look back I see the most patient man ever. The kind that are shot down only to be valued and appreciated much too late in life. I ran around like a wild cat knowing well I was shadowed and covered from all of life’s harms… until there was no one chasing me i.e. R.
R nearly is a creation from the big guy up there. I always wondered where he gathered all that …. whatever good things he had, from. He almost made me look like a confirmed sinner. I felt that last evening when I asked him to meet me for dinner. From sheer heartbreak, he was leaving the country for good I understand. He wore the shirt that resembled the one I loved most. The brown in his shirt matched his coffee brown skin and I missed his shoulders that had embraced and supported me a countless times in good and ugly. He seemed so sure and yet made the least eye contact (his eyes had the kindest warmest look ever). I stared at him almost to the point of shamelessness. I was so taken in by him and questions and sentences ran helter skelter in my mind like people running from a burning bldg. I knew it was over from the moment he arrived and shook my hand and then reciprocated the awkward hug I gave him. He talked a lot about his work and plans and all. I couldn’t help but watch this new person carefully hiding the being I had loved more than my life. I had dressed up for the dinner. I wanted to look pretty, not attractive. I wanted to make an effort to show that I had thought about this dinner…. Farewell dinner. Midway when he took a call from friends and work I msgd my twin and alter ego Supresa that I just realized what a bloody hell of a mistake I made by letting him go. I fought tears through entré and main course as I pretended to dish out some strange giggles and even take a single picture of him. A picture of US was out of bounds now. I mustered the courage to apologize for the heartache that caused to both him and me and for not having faith in him to continue. He was gracious and awkward and didn’t lash back. He was soooo mature. I shrunk under the table, almost. I felt small and lost and again like the girl who couldn’t buy toothbrush without him around. He was now the one I let go and I am the one that got away. 
I see now that I chose to play the villain where I considered someone else the villain for nearly a year. It takes a lot of heart smashing to admit ur mistakes and contributions to something like this and hope to survive it. I hope I survive it. It’s been the worst night and morning in a while where you feel your heart racing (literally) and feel the need to jump into the ice cold Pacific and swim against all odds to make it to the shore. Possibly the cold would numb every physiological tell-tale sign of my heart break and the adrenaline would give me the strength to get through the mess I contributed to… I love R, always will…

Song playing... Coldplay - every tear is a waterfall...

Obstinate feline...



 She moved and danced. To feel the edge of her hips and the ripples of the belly as they swayed in trance. She took a few steps back and lunged 3 forward because she felt a sense of suffocation in the 1 square tile she initiated this trance. No one was watching or so she thought. But then again she wanted her emotions to be on display. Have someone watch her secretly. Cup her face into his hands large enough to fit in and feel like you could sleep there. Have him breathe ever so gently down her neck almost like letting her know that he was right there but not quite locking her in an unbreakable embrace. Now she was confused. Her mood swayed from wanting the unbreakable embrace to wanting to be free as and when she wanted.

This was the boy the man she wanted. She prayed and swayed and swished her way through for. Now he was here and she second guessed her thoughts. She ran. She was the commitment phobic disease that was spreading to him and not the other way around. She wanted him to make a mistake; make her feel like she could step over him and it was ok to do so. But he was indeed perfect. He was flawed and he was perfect that way. He was a rogue ruffian who had taken to her in the most delicate manner possible and treated her like a rare glass prism with colors and magic streaming through. One slight err and she would crash and break and he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. That’s what he projected and that’s what he possibly thought of her. She would’ve liked to believe that given the soft kisses and delicate moments. But she impersonated herself as the feline warrior. Walked like she owned it all and that the world was at her feet or should reconsider their stand if they weren’t at her feet. She had the power to have it all and have most of it she did.

She ran. She always ran. Physically, emotionally and hypothetically. She loved the chase and the run. The pulsating beat against the sound of the asphalt under her feet. She ran because that’s where her emotions were on 100% display. She could run through a good cry and behave like nothing happened. She ran most from the ones she loved. She thought she was avoiding being hurt or influenced by them. She didn’t know she was running from herself being whatever they fell in love with. Her running was her excitement, her victory dance and her exaltation that she was loved back by the one she loved. Oh no! its confirmed and its right there in her palm. Now what!!!

Would her love fail her? Would her love make her feel like there was better to love or that she deserved better to love? She was exhausted. She couldn’t save her best for last. After all when does one really know the last is the best. What is the ‘best last’? she started hurting the ones she loved. She fought and picked and nitty-grittied it. She decided distance was far safer than being close enough and making eye contact. She thought it easier to break away from than make a way to paradise. She tried seeing the sense that was being seen by others but it was blind to her. she just couldn’t sketch the outline of what was forward. She could only sketch what she hoped would be forward.

He loved her. He showed her he loved her but didn’t know if she loved him back. He didn’t give up and that irked her. But again if he did give up, he would strengthen her belief that he eventually did. She was a wild one waiting for the right owner to tame her, grace her and sway her. Waiting for the right hand on her firmly holding her down despite the large glassy stare but softening as she knew it was for her best and then rewarding her with some love as she purred back. That kiss so gentle passionate and firmly gripped. Warm flush and glow; forgetting where her body ended and his started.

She still waits and sways and runs and prays. She still walks and talks like she knows the what nots. She is difficult and fire but love is quite plainly her only desire!!