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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Finding 'ever after'...


John Nash: Thank you. I've always believed in numbers and the equations and logics that lead to reason. But after a lifetime of such pursuits, I ask, "What truly is logic?" "Who decides reason?"
My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional – and back.
And I have made the most important discovery of my career, the most important discovery of my life: It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found.
I'm only here tonight because of you [wife, Alicia]. You are the reason I am. You are all my reasons.
Thank you. (recalled from The Beautiful Mind)
I watched this movie after I made an early move back from my weekend at Khopoli –40+ of us headed there to a holiday home, which belongs to a fellow capoeirista who graciously and generously threw it open to us. I went very reluctantly but also because I wanted to spend alone time with my guy, boyfriend, love… (I hate these terms but 1 gets the gist). A girlfriend later very aptly put it (speaking from experience I gather) that there is no such thing as alone time in capoeira. Tis’ true and I have seen it. He insisted I get there and be there with him and I’m glad that he insisted and literally had to force my mind. Deep down I wanted to go but there was a big part of me that wanted to avoid this weekend because of the mental blocks that I have developed and now seem to grow over me like persistent algae in the deep Amazon. It doesn’t help when the algae is further feeding off nutrition (read rumors and gossips and doubts) and growing at an alarming rate.
The weekend was a blast and just what I needed but there is some I would change, some I would rerun and some I would avoid. These are always such experiences and everyone has some of the 3 feelings even if they denied it. I struggled with trust and opening up. I struggled with dealing with the new. 1 always enjoys the 1st flush of romance and the honeymoon period of dating someone new. I had been in a 6yrs relationship with my best friend of 5yrs. I knew nothing about dating and anticipating someone unknown; someone I knew barely 6 odd months. I didn’t know how to acknowledge his openness to declaring his love for me, how to reciprocate it appropriately enough that he knows I feel just the same way and to open up my mouth and ACTUALLY say what I felt and thought at the time. Instead my energy was focussed on “…really.. You love me?... really you bought me this and gave me that?”. It was the sweetest gesture by this young guy I have fallen mysteriously for. Possibly my struggle to understand WHY I really loved him and wanted him is my mental block. And even more as to WHY after all that’s been still continued to be fed like IV poison 150mg BID escalating dose. What I really needed were 2 pills called ‘FUKITOL’ and ‘LEAPOFAITH’.
Coming to the movie. I have seen it 6-7 times by now. Eternal hopeless romantic that I am. A true story of the devastating effect of paranoid schizophrenia on a genius mathematician. But I focussed on his faith and HER. Jennifer Connelly portrayed Alicia Nash (nee Lardé) wife of John Nash. She is a beautiful gentle creature who rigorously pursues her love and ends up with a raw deal… not until he comes to terms with his condition and wins the Nobel Prize. It was the age of ‘till death do us apart’ and that’s what Alicia did. She stayed and struggled and graciously took on this ill man she loved and never for 1ce abandoned him or even took advantage of her beauty combined with his disability. It’s a rare possibility today and the fact that your partner is debilitated is a sorry excuse for many cheaters. He, on the other hand, spent most of his adult life in the throes of vulnerability and differentiating the real from the delusion. But he never struggled with his wife. Theirs was a beautiful relationship so pure that you would have to look away if you didn’t live up to that benchmark of love, faith and trust. I know I did. I couldn’t build up half the trust with my partner of the totality that I saw in 135mins of screen time.
I couldn’t even muster the courage to be myself with him. Why do I struggle so much? Where is the leap of faith that I encouraged him to take? 1 of the most important people in my life always assures me he is right there. Anything happens in any aspect of my life, he is right there. Somehow, I feel like his hand too won’t be strong enough to pick up all of me from the low point I am risking crashing into. All that was going on in my life was the equal and opposite of John and Alicia Nash. I wish life were that clearer. Friends who have known me long enough snicker that I struggled to stay single for 2yrs and now this. Apparently, my choices and I just had to be legends. I don’t think of it that way. In the words of Julia Robert’s character in Notting Hill, “I’m also just a girl...standing in front of a boy...asking him to love her.” I don’t think it’s too much to expect especially when you are sure that traffic is indeed flowing both ways. But where is that blind trust? Where is that passion I had in me eons ago when I made a guy giddy with how much I loved him. I don’t advocate nausea and diabetic sweetness but I know when to take a step or 2 back.
I am nervous, unsure and still testing the wool ball like a frightened kitty. Except the wool ball has been kind enough to stay put and not roll off. In an almost subtle yet obstinate way the wool ball is there to stay to unwind slowly to reveal each thread, each hue and each flaw. It’s almost romantic the ties that bind the kitty to the wool ball that she won’t let go and yet will keep tossing round. Occasionally the wool ball rolls off into dark corners and under furniture, which the kitty must retrieve but she takes her time. Eventually she lets off a purr and a sigh, goes, and gets it cuz she knows she is making a fuss over nothing and needs the wool ball… stupid stupid cat.
If only I had half the grace, beauty, poise, patience and gentleness of Alicia Nash and possibly a tinge of her strength and sensibility would I be able to get through this phase of my life… puuurrrr! Then we could be reasons for each other to… well just be!