NOTEBOOK Lovers

Don and Maxine Simpson in their last moments together.

“Cause I give you all of me. And you give me all of you…” Lyrics from ‘All of me’

by John Legend dedicated to his wife Chrissy Teigen

The stuff of love and legends could be summed up in music and stories over the years. There’s a reason why some relationships are termed fairytales and stories. Their rarity and essence is hard to digest and encompass by modern day folks who treat any form of love selfishly and with a *conditions applied approach.

I have much to write to the testimony of love that I have understood, read, witnessed and a fraction of which I have been lucky to experience. Yet it would never do absolute justice to the feeling and the actions that went behind expressing them. I think that love is easy to feel and toughest to express. Even when the opposite person knows you love them or how much you love them… they still never quite have the right idea of it and hence are never able to return that love at the same wavelength. Love is also often mistaken with lust, temporary insanity of the heart or available affection. Probably >50% of true love is never reciprocated or expressed in its entirety in a lifetime. I have no qualms telling Abeer I love him almost 8-10 times a day. But when expressing to my parents, I hesitate because we never quite said it out loud. Just embraced or looked at each other and understood so – assumed the other one did too.

I stumbled upon Gordon and Norma Yeager’s story of being married 72 years and passing away within an hour of each other, report in the Dailymail. Followed by Don and Maxine Simpson’ story of wedded bliss for 62 years and passing away within an hour of each other, report in the Mumbai Mirror. Both couples were in their 90s. I looked at their very simple stories of pre-depression, post-depression, pre and post WWII story and their seemingly simple lives. They probably never made headlines or even daily news in their lifetime save for the single most difficult achievement ever – commitment and love till death indeed did them apart, that they had promised each other. Their pictures speak a million words and the simplicity and expression of their love is what’s fascinating as it is devoid of today’s PDA and senseless nudity captured on each and every medium. I could share 1 meaningful kiss in a day and be content but there are those who must near-copulate in public to reflect the same. Gordon-Norma and Don-Maxine’s stories are strewn across social mediums and news media because of the impact their lives had. That it is indeed THAT rare to find that 1 person for you and MAKE it work till the end. Their lives was certainly not a rose garden for 60-70 years. And yet, here they are holding hands and gone already. I knew of only 1 such couple in real life. I knew them as Roy uncle and Aunty. Old Bengali couple in their 50’s or 60’s full of life and so darned beautiful. Roy uncle passed away thanks to his long term parallel love affair with alcohol and smoking. Aunty followed suite because honestly, I couldn’t solve the equation without them not being  together. I saw her days before she died and I knew then this was true love. I was less than 10 years old.

John Legend’s song ‘All of me’ has reached the #1 spot in my personal chartbusters bumping off Seal’s ‘Kiss from a Rose’ and 1 Republic’s ‘If I lose myself tonight’ among many others. It tugs the right strings and right notes as I well up each time I listen to it. That’s why I deliberately refrain from listening to it in public as I don’t wish to be a puddle of mush and have to explain why all of a sudden did I need to vent a few tears. The lyrics are powerful and simple ‘All of me and all of you’. Something we DO NOT do anymore. A part of us is at home, part at work, most part in our gadgets and personal effects, part in our relationships, part in ourselves, part divided over and over again everywhere. That’s why we never have 1 place and 1 person to give it all to. Selfishness and insecurity (acc. to me) being the primary factors to hold back and not let someone in your life and share and accept you as YOU ARE or not making enough effort to accept others as they are. It is the single most delightful, relief riddled and exhilarating feeling when you know how much YOU mean to SOMEONE else. And even more that the person felt open and comfortable enough to express it to you, leaving them open and vulnerable aka trusting you to treasure it than destroy it.

I intended to express the song and the 2 love stories. And here I am ~4 paras down. I just hope, wish, pray and beg for this level of rawness, openness and generosity of love in my life as did these people. And I hope that I do not have to stay back and watch it fade away.

Wishful thinking gal…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=450p7goxZqg

NOTA: None Of The Assholes

In the last few weeks, I’ve become increasingly ashamed of being a part of this country. Embarrassed that I am a citizen off and represented by a land that is ruled by dicks – the anatomical shaft is the foundation and the head is the ‘brains’ the so-called ‘intelligence’ that represents us and defines our future. Indeed as disgusting as that metaphor was… a 1000 times over is our constituency. I fail to understand why the economy of the busiest metro in the country should come to a financial standstill to elect a bunch of uneducated thug-like bastards who forgot which @#$% actually tunneled them out. The same members of our ‘gorrmint’ (government) that cannot even spell without spitting or stuttering.

I have no ounce of education, interest or even knowledge of the dirty politics in this country. The limit of my knowledge is that it’s dirtier than the sewers and public toilets. At least the latter can be cleaned at some point. We can’t say India has gone to the dogs. You see dogs are far beyond such an insult. India shouldn’t compare herself to such higher species or standards. She has been raped far more than any woman in this country has even been letched at on an average per day. And she will continue to be raped until a dictator comes into power and decides to be her sole rapist. That relationship, by the way, is known as marriage in this country. Men are usually born from rape (nonconsensual nonnegotiable marital rape that our constituency allows as per revised laws in 2014), watch rape as a normal act through their childhood and then grow up to incorporate the essence and activity of rape in everything they do. They rape the law, the people, the men, women and children, the education, the poor and needy and finally the common sense of the aam admi.

Let me understand one thing. If all the politicians want a Hindutva India or a Hindustan, then how the FUCK does no one say throw the Jews, Buddhists, Christians, Sikhs, Harijan, Achoots, North East Indians and god knows every cast/religion out. WHY ONLY MUSLIMS? Are you THAT uneducated, dear people that religion to you classifies as Muslim or all other etceteras that fall under the umbrella of Hindus?  Did your school system NOT teach you diversity? Or did you just go to the same as NaMo, Gandhis, Kejriwals, Ramdas, Didiins, Jayas, Sonias etc… Cuz even the good ones rise and are not protected by the filth of this constituency. It’s like when Joey Tribianni learnt that condoms are 99.9% safe and there is that 0.1% freaking chance…. that they AREN’T. In this case, the 99.9% is the probability of corruption vs the sad 0.1% of pure untouched common sense and goodwill.

After voting today, I sense that I will lose more friends and confidantes if I were to know their thought process or simply the choice they made. That’s why I decided that I would not divulge my vote and treat it to the level of secrecy the overtly ambitious Hollywood CIA movies make it to be. My vote is my sole discretion. It is my 1st time voting and in true full-blown fashion it’s come out in a year where the elections have taken this country by storm. There is revelry and rivalry running side by side.  Allegations vs farce promises are the key to winning the elections. Who accuses whom, who slings the most mud and better yet who satisfactorily justifies the mudslinging – inclusive of poultry, dairy, groceries and stationery items. There is yet no proof of development nor is there any promise for improvement. The public is torn between a peaceful coexistence in whatever state (hell) they are which is equivalent to fighting the demons they are familiar with vs those who are suddenly driven by extremism and have chosen some jackass who represents them or is constantly spewing extremism in full shameless view of the public. Here is where free speech is divided – free hate speech, which goes scot free against free sensible, debatable and challenged speech that has no bearing or room in a free democracy.  

I am judgmental of those who have voted for X, Y, Z candidates of the constituency. True that their knowledge maybe far reaching or reversely far limited than me. Or could be that the reasons I associate with their choices have nothing to do with the choices they made. Yet, I find myself in a dilemma as I rot in a nation that has enough money to level the ranks of the USA and yet prides itself in living like an upgraded 3^rd world nation. Those around me who think or advertise extremism, affect me. By some stroke of birth (I will not use the term luck), I was born in a Hindu family. I call that a ‘default’ setting. Thankfully, my family has allowed me to ‘customize’ my life, my thoughts and my practices independent of me being 1) a woman 2) a Hindu 3) an educated independent agonist individual. And we do not match on a few levels. Sadly, that is not the case elsewhere. You see either families and relatives directly control you and make choices for you until their demise or they give you a false sense of independence when really THEY are pulling the strings. Why must we be so influenced? Why don’t we ever question or argue or debate or justify? Why are we afraid of accepting and embracing the minority vote or the least favored choice? Why does someone else’s hatred, mistrust, experience, fallacy affect us without any base? Why is every Muslim neighbor a threat or a minority in societies, schools, offices etc.? Why do some Catholics tell others that all other religions are nil… zero… zilch (personal experience and anecdotes from convent life and an aunt)? Why does every damn Hindu think no end of themselves? Why do Buddhists and Sikhs think their religion has more spirituality and culture than any others? AGAIN these people represent the minority and not the majority. I hope the world and India understands this point.

Our teachers taught us to be independent, to question when in doubt, to take more answer sheets to present our views/answer and to accept, learn, train and work with one and all. Does that not continue outside our school gates? Do we just walk out of there, vomit all of it like an aspiring anorexic and then go back to that school gate only to reminisce the common sense that was once upon a time ‘lectured’ to us? Our history is full of kings, emperors and rulers who nurtured our nation as well as destroyed it beyond repair in a rare few cases. The majority were Hindu rajas. We don’t mope on their descendants and ‘‘teach them a lesson’’ for what their ancestors did. Nope. We don’t hunt down relatives and royal families and go for their jugular for something some random person in some cornerstone of history did. But we sure will watch acrid hate speeches, news and views and then spurn the neighbor who for the last 10+ years has peacefully coexisted with us. Smart move people. Real smart.

Modiji is revered yet for abandoning a wife who, as per news, has given up her favorite things including footwear till he is PM. Rahul = Congress and a heritage that thinks they are entitled to EVERYTHING India has. Kejriwal… my man Keju… what are you wasting time on? Where did you lose focus and die a familiar death? Mamata Didiin stop yelling. We’re not deaf! Sonia… You Italiano you… I really don’t care. Sheila Dik-shit – nuff said. Thackeray ji I’m a Mumbaikar and can’t speak fluent Marathi. Are your goons gonna burn a vehicle for that (incidentally belonging to some innocent Maharashtrian)… and I can go on about everyone in power. Some may say I am not out and up there doing the good and fighting the battles. No I'm not and have no inclination to. That doesn’t make me less concerned or bothered by it all.

We don’t need elections to spew violence. Every festival, event, demise and strike is followed by a warning to the aam admi “Go home soon” “There might be communal disturbance” “This area is sensitive” and it goes on. You bloody bigots. When FCB player Dani Aves was targeted by racist Villarreal fans who threw a banana at him, the world took to social media and posted similar pics to mark shame and protest against the act. I know some of my own Anti-Muslim, Brahmin-oholic stuck up friends who did the same. Seriously… who are you fooling? You're a so-called-proud Indian and yet you could give 2 hoots about domestic communal racism. But come international football stars and you couldn't be more favorable in their support. Remember this. We have the NaMos and the likes in full media view, using tax payers money to show their ugly faces on the cover pages of TOI. But the thing we must be vary of is the millions of NaMos, Sonias, Rahuls, Kejus etc living among us. Side by Side. Breath by breath. Those who have friends and pals from all communities, enjoy Easter Eggs, Kaju Katlis, Eid delicacies, Momos, etc. and yet would abandon or kill in a blink when the moment asked. These people live a peaceful coexistence but would turn their heads if their progeny loved someone from another caste or creed (recently a Dalit boy was beaten and hanged for falling in love with an upper cast girl: TOI). Have the guts or balls I say. If you are open minded BE OPEN MINDED. Don’t be a venn diagram with shades of grey. Not cool at all!!!

*This post is not meant to hurt the sentiment of any caste, creed, race, sect and whatever worldly divide we have invented. It is intended to reveal the inner bigot and hypocrite in us. To understand that as much as we hate others for being public and vocal about their baseless reservations and forcing others to follow suit... we are also intentionally or unintentionally following suit.

This video directed by Shlok Sharma is a stroke of minute-full genius. It stands for what I have expressed in my post. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hc5erdvB-4Y

Gone in 60…something! (The Fit post)

This is my burn post. Where I am burning all the bad and negative stuff. Ok FAT. That’s what I am burning. Sigh. A few weeks back, I was in Gokarna donning my 1^st ever bikini which I bought (btw) in Goa with the help of a friend 2-freaking-years ago. It hit me then. What exactly had held me back from donning it beyond my room and almost packing it for all trips? It never left the bag nor did it see decent sunlight. Moreover, when in Gokarna, despite being with Abeer, I was painfully shy to be tramping around in it so I camouflaged it.

To be fair I’m the kinda person who won’t dress inappropriately or in a way that suggests that I stuffed a whole turkey in a pig intestine. That was a gross but pretty accurate point. After some unfashionable disasters during my very confusing and ill-informed teenage years, I took dressing up pretty seriously. I don’t follow the latest fashion and neither am I a clothes horse. But I will wear what I fancy and ensure that I am not the subject of ‘hawww’ when I make an entry. I have been thus far successful. But my struggle with weight is the only thing that stands between my passion for dressing up and shutting myself in a loft above my bathroom heater. I am blessed with a man who adores my curves and never holds back from letting me know that. Perhaps that’s what also prompted me to take matters into my hands. See there is only so much you can praise your better half and then NOT look at someone else. So I don’t expect my partner to have ‘eyes only for me’ if I go from Monica Belluci to the pool lady in Good Luck Chuck. I felt physically ill, grumpy, not so attractive and pitiful living off previous compliments. Sure enough, I got curvier and thankfully didn’t look distasteful. But if I’d continued down this path, I sure as hell wouldn’t have liked myself. It was 6+ months since my surgery and it was high time, I did more than just walks and a few stretches. This was gonna need some real muscle.

So 1 fine evening, after another quip from Abeer of how I made him fat (indirectly), I took him to dinner and declared this was my last real indulgence – the Philadelphia cheesecake. For at least a while. He didn’t believe me. The next day I embarked on the famous GM Diet. I love this diet. It was about plato breaking, nourishment and no starvation. I am not a dietician but this diet made sense to me and was easiest to follow. I was also to combine it with some hardcore workout. And so I began. I gotta tell you it was tough. 1 day all fruits. 1 day all veges. Etc etc. it did get to me. Yes, I loved the wholesome crunchy fruits and veges that I gorged on. But being mentally aware that THAT was all I could have is the trick I had to dodge. So I cheated a lil. I added nuts and kokum sherbet to my day. I worked my ass off to lose the retained water and the comfortably nestled adipose tissues. It was time to get leaner and meaner. I thought of myself and Abeer. I thought of the times I was unfit and unhealthy and the times I envied a fit girl or a dress I dared not even try. To give my psyche more to agonize and squeeze in some motivation, I tried on my birthday dress and my Christmas dress. Both are body fitted pencil straight. You cannot cheat your shape in them. That’s all I needed. 1 fit me and made me look bad and 1 zipped up after 10mins of intense breath holding. The motivation was Abeer loved me in those dresses and there was a time not too long ago that I had fit in them. So it wasn’t impossible.

I cut carbs to the max but I recalled from the past how the skin and hair take the worst hit when you cut all cholesterol and fat. Wanted to look healthy and fit; not skinny, emaciated and ill. Wanted to retain the curves and look like a woman not a pencil. About the same time, Abeer rejoined the gym and hit it hard like no one’s business. After many weeks of trying to find a common workout ground we both realized, he was the lone training gym guy and I was the outdoorsy and group workout girl. We both loved fitness. That’s all we needed and we motivated each other. We share our workouts and how we feel post that. That way our meals are also aligned to not let the workout go waste – ok that is still WIP. Abeer was kind enough to align his Tues-Thurs workout with my capoeira classes which I restarted. It took much convincing and coaxing that I would not let myself burnout or get injured and I wouldn’t let capoeira overshadow our quality time together. It’s just a start but we’ll get there. Seeing him workout to better himself only made me push harder.

Couple of things I re-realized in the last 1 month. I was constantly checking the scales contrary to my own beliefs where inches trump kilos. That’s cuz my workout adds a lot of muscle weight so looking at the scale defeats my purpose. At the same time, for a woman that time of the month is a huuuggee variation. Water retention, more inches, hunger pangs and wavering stamina. All of these vanish on day 2 or 3. I feel like I drop a ton. Again weighing or measuring myself in these times was another waste – mental note. The body also shows nutritional deficiencies sometimes through cravings. So 1 must be aware of at least basic health science to know why 1s body acts a certain way. That was what I started paying attention to. Took advantage of the fact that I worked from home.

The result till now is that I’ve dropped a few inches. I feel lighter and fresher. Sleep, which usually evades me, was a natural outcome of the exhaustion. And mind you – sleeping burns fat. Just getting started was the deal. The rest was a natural course and there is no stopping from here on forward. I do workout for myself but the majority of my motivation comes from Abeer. He wanting to be fit pushes me and makes me wanna be a better person for him as well. Earlier I got carried away and pushed my body 10x beyond its capacity – a mistake I won’t repeat. No point in going ‘off season’ and then doing damage control. No conforming to other body shapes, types or health. They aren’t me and I am not them. I have also learnt to recognize the good pain/soreness vs the bad one. The one that makes you sick and you can barely walk. Not worth it. Everyone who asks me about anything related to fitness; I tell them 2 things: 1) I am no expert 2) Find your OWN workout. Not what others think you should do. I need to enjoy my activities so I can do them honestly and for longer. Else it feels worse than labor and wont give me my results.

Right now I’ve restarted after busting 2 knees and nearly damaging a lot of body parts. It took so much for me to calm down and find a wholesome, healthier approach to working out. This time around I am not waiting for my perfect body. I am just gonna get there and work at keeping it…. :D

Backpacker (Gokarna): 30 seconds into Gokarna... The Incident

There’s a reason why certain events happen in your life. They teach you the value of something or someone. Usually its unpleasant cuz the pressure and intensity of such events seem to make a deeper mark in our memory – like a crack in crystal. Years along the person or thing may not exist, but the memory and its implications remain forever. We were the recipients of 1 such memory/event.

We were in Gokarna and the days seemed blissful at best. Just before leaving for Mangalore on Sunday night, we decided to soak in last minute sunset and warm salty sea. It was sweet and playful. We joked about the Indian tourists who thronged the beaches and made a sight for sore eyes. How they didn’t have a sense of personal space and got in our way before a wave break. So we kept getting soaked and out to look for more isolated sections to just be US. I am now glad there were people around. Irony.

Over the preceding days, we had made some friends – familiar faces. Faces who were present in the water with us and kindly warned us that the tide was particularly choppy and it would be a good idea to stay closer to shore. Abeer and I were seasoned beach bums. We knew how far was too far and we wanted an uneventful end to this trip. I think Kudle had other plans for us. We noticed a couple very much in love and foolishly venturing deeper in. The guy seemed rather confident as he guided his girlfriend’s hands into deeper waters even though the waves slapped harder and stronger. Everyone was getting away from the waves except these 2. It took all of 30 secs for what happened next.

He screamed for help. He screamed in time cuz he was audible and Abeer and I among a few others noticed and heard. What I didn’t expect my very brave but foolish Abeer to do was jump in without so much as a mention to me. Natural instincts and I will never argue that. I hadn’t swum in choppy waters in a while so I refrained but kept getting increasingly anxious as I watched him reach them, grab the guy and then just waves blocking my view. I struggled to stand up and see what the hell was taking so long as the waves kept slapping harder. The anxiety attacks grew as I saw 2 or 3 bobbing heads moving farther and farther away. I turned and ran to the beach. Others might have joked I maybe having a Baywatch moment. I didn’t care. I screamed for a lifeguard at Sunset Café. The owner had the presence of mind to veer me to a just leaving catamaran that was taking a few revelers to Paradise beach. I ran and screamed. My legs hurt and my heart beat against the adrenaline cuz each step felt like I was delaying urgency. The boys in the water noticed my fear and I screamed to them to get to the boat. God bless them they did. We screamed about the people in the water. As I pointed to them, I saw 1 head and then nothing and I panicked.

At that moment a 100 thoughts raced through my mind. Mundane, useless, useful, crazy, emotional every thought. Where is he? Did he leave me? Alone? On this beach after how well we were doing? Is he lost? Is he there and does he know I sent help? Am I going back with him or a body bag? What will I answer to everyone and what will I do forever now? Can he hear me screaming? I love you Bubee and you can’t do this to me. Are you there? Don’t give up and play one of your stupid jokes “ek din sab ko marna hi hai! (one day everyone has to die)” And many more thoughts that enter and exit your mind without volunteering permission to do so. The heart thumping hurts. I can hear the boys yelling at me and a few holding my arm from not venturing deeper in. I rudely snap saying I will not leave without Abeer. They don’t understand me and I don’t understand their rationale. The boat throws a line. I see 2 heads and the tears slow down. I see someone attempt to grab it but I’m not sure. I selfishly pray its Abeer. I wish it to be Abeer and then I see someone let go of the line… I was distraught and don’t recall the remaining min or 2 until I saw the boat pull in with an unconscious Abeer dangling by its side with his arms caught by people in the boat. I was afraid he shouldn’t be injured or caught under the boat as it came in swiftly ashore. I ran… the thumping still didn’t stop. I realized how useless and limp I had become in a distraught moment. Chided myself for not jumping in and doing better to avoid this. Till date I don’t know what I would’ve done different.

Abeer was dragged into the boat and then carried on shore. He was limp and I didn’t know if he was breathing. I slapped him, attempted the worst kind of CPR and basically shrieked and cried. Not good for someone who should maintain their composure. I saw the couple roped in and desperate attempts to revive the girl. As I saw her state, my panic for Abeer grew. Everyone just surrounded and watched him except for a stray few strangers who tried to revive him. I saw a flicker of movement and breathing. Wanted to stop crying but mild relief and the trauma of it all just refused to leave as I begged him to wake up or show me a sign he’ll be ok. The next 45mins were the worst. They felt like 45 seconds. We revived Abeer who was burned out in the worst possible manner. The girl wouldn’t wake up and I briefly offered help. But when I saw her with lots of people and her boyfriend, I instantly left to be by Abeer’s side. A few minutes earlier, we all realized there was another fella in the water. He had, what I know off, jumped into the water to assist these 3 when he saw Abeer’s efforts were futile against the raging sea and the desperate boy who was only keeping his panic-stricken unconscious girlfriend a float. We screamed at the boat to rope that 4^th person in. By now he was like an insignificant lil bob in the water. If we hadn’t known he had jumped in, I’m afraid his body would’ve never been found.

By now everyone at Kudle knew what had happened. Every shack occupant, restaurant workers, employees, holiday goers, tourists… everyone was on the beach. 90% proving useless by doing the standard Indian thing – surround and be spectators while cutting off air supply. Some (mostly foreigners) genuinely ran about, offered assistance, checked up periodically on Abeer and me, comforted me, called for medical assistance and backup, etc. I was starting to calm down but I was blown by the sordidness of it all. Abeer could’ve become a statistic on this killer beach and I could’ve lost my love my life. My anxiety reduced when he sat up, spoke a few words, threw up all of it. Any movement or interaction was GOOD INTERACTION. I prayed helplessly that the girl wake up and the just roped in boy wake up as well. I didn’t want any deaths. The couple was alive and safe thanks to MY Abeer. The sunset. It was a beautiful sunset; one that I wanted to close with Abeer… knee deep in salty sea water and kissing him. Instead I watched it plunge into the sea taking away my peace of mind. We took him to the shack and the room. The resort owner and employees all helped. He was revived with cold water, air, shower and whatever he indicated he wanted. I watched him like he was a rare creature from the sea about to change shape or form. I saw the look and he knew what I must’ve gone through. I held him and cried and I realized what he meant to me. Much more than I thought, imagined, felt or even vocally expressed to him – EVER.

The rest of the evening people came about asking what happened, giving him some company and making him feel better, wishing him well, offering help and assistance. I was too traumatized by his trauma and each time he repeated his story or gave more insight into his thoughts and actions, I couldn’t control my emotions. They weren’t mine anymore. They just seemed to have a mind of their own. I asked Abeer just 1 question: did he ever give up? I hoped he’d say no but I can only imagine a few seconds may have felt like few mins or hrs to him. I wanted to leave Gokarna and incidentally he expressed the same. I just felt nervous about taking along a traumatized and physically fragile man on a late night train journey. Moments after Abeer went to sleep, the café employee Raj informed me that the 4^th fella had died instantly. I choked. I wanted to leave.

Our only sweet moment captured
after much fuss from me to seal
the holiday with a pic. 

We both didn’t sleep; he had fever, cold sweats and an upset stomach as physiological side effects. We left late into the night at 1am. Slept at the station. There was not a moment where I didn’t take my eyes of him. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. We reached Mangalore where he was upbeat and surprisingly cheerful. I was relieved but I waited and watched. It felt supremely wrong to continue the journey, which was designed for more coastal adventures and rough backpacking. I knew when we left Gokarna that the trip had reached its demise. My Kerala would have to wait. My Abeer was more important. There was just 1 of this specimen and as much as he agonized me in the past, I loved him forever. Abeer was sad and regretful of Kerala not happening, as he knew it was imp to me. I assured him that I would never ever hold him to account for it. I never will. There will be more trips. I wanted to return him safely home to his family. We had an 18+hr journey by bus to Mumbai. We tried to have fun and tried to relax through this journey. Found lil to giggle and enjoy so we both kept each other cheerful. Came home and spent the rest of the week enjoying and recovering through the leave.

The ocean jar made from the LSD
dessert jar Abeer gifted me <3

I couldn’t sleep. So I worked feverishly till exhaustion gave me a few hours of rest. I missed sleeping next to him, holding him, hearing him breathe. I’m watchful of him. Lest he wanna be a hero again. I was lucky that evening. That boat at Kudle was lucky. Maybe my menial offerings at Mahabaleshwara temple paid off and Lord Shiva decided it wasn’t time yet to break me. So he sent a boat. Maybe lotsa things. I love him more now… Loss and regain have a funny way of opening up areas of your brain and heart. I was adamant to restore the good memories from Gokarna. So I finished painting a glass jar for Abeer with beach life on it. The jar was meant to have layers of sand and treasures from all our coastal conquests. I left it empty so he was free to add whatever he wanted. :)

End of backpacker diaries (Part 1 of a million). Waiting to create new 1s.

http://www.sahilonline.org/english/newsDetails.php?cid=1&nid=23281 - This is a brief online news of the incident. It doesn't mention Abeer's rescue attempts and is purely to-the-point. 

Backpacker (Gokarna): Paradise…

Sun sand surf sunset sunrise serenity simple surrendering sweet swim sensual – all in 1

Abeer’s dad said to him that if you REALLY wanna know a person, travel with him/her/them. Nothing invokes raw personalities and characters whilst on an unknown terrain and situation. I kept this thought in mind.

We reached Gokarna at 3:00am and camped out at the surprisingly well-equipped and pristinely well maintained (by that I mean spotless) Gokarna Road Station. There were several student revellers post the recent board exams so we helped out 2 young girls with transport and reaching Kudle along with us in the morning. The journey was fun and sweet. We captured some moments on camera as the train trailed through the slightly inward Konkan coast. Watched how guards sent signals and managed an ever-running-never-stopping Indian railway system, which still employs manual labor and skills across the country. A thought that makes me smile.

Gokarna was trekking walking trudging and exercise from the word ‘Go’ ‘karna’ – a play on we have to do it on the mark. I was pleasantly surprised by this extremely small beach-town so interwoven and colourful yet so modern and humble. There was seva everywhere. Tourists thronged every nook and corner – mostly hippies, yogis, long-term vacationers and part time marvellers. What was common between them all was they were all comfortably and barely dressed, some even without footwear and they were all over Gokarna like they would walk through their living rooms back home. It was a v v beautiful sight and something Abeer and I can relate to. The temples and the facilities are all walking distance but mind you there is nothing that you will need in Gokarna and it isn’t there. Nope… it’s ALL there. The tourist attraction hasn’t upped the greed scale of this place like other destinations in India and that’s why I never argued much about paying for anything cuz it was always in INR 100s…

Our stay was comfortable at best. I see the logic now as we barely stayed indoors. Just came to take 1 of many 100 showers in the day and change there. Our room became a laundromat come baking oven. It was supremely hot but since we had dragged our tired feet through deep dry sand across Kudle beach at 6:30am and were told no shacks, huts, rooms or even beds were available… we took this 1. We were glad we did and I would go back there anytime. Ref: Sea View Resort. Don’t be fooled by the exotic names. They are v v bare basic living quarters and for INR 400/- a night they were easy on Abeer and my travel pockets. Abeer kept drilling in my head too that we were backpackers and backpacker stay was the way to go. My biggest pet peeve was bathrooms ALWAYS. I REAAAAALLLLYYY had to let this 1 go as I shared common toilets and showers with all other roomies at the resort. Abeer was understanding and always accommodating of my needs – something that I learnt on this trip on a deeper level. He didn’t leave me to fend for myself as a grown up capable woman. Rather he was far more caring and even watchful of me and my movements, needs, pangs etc. This was what I was looking for in this trip – to learn about each other.

Happy feet boating through all 4 beaches!

I watched as he soaked in not doing anything. We barely had 2 days so there were times it felt like we had nothing to do and then moments later an awesome plan would fall into place. In 2 days we visited Kulde, Om, Half moon and Paradise beach, went boating on the local fishing catamarans, trekked through scenic and sometimes wretched terrain between beaches separated by rocky hills, watched the most beautiful sunrise and sunsets, tried more than 5 eating joints, marvelled at every meal and bottle of beer (thank you UB for keeping us sorted), and swam a lot. I was happiest in my bare minimums. Happy that I could wear and look like whatever at any time of the darned day and no one would judge or gossip about it. I felt my skin soak in everything and was open to wearing my bikini for the 1^st time as well as get tanned. Most of all I was happiest that Abeer and I made this trip. We were childlike and hungry and thirsty altogether. We went about town and even visited the local most famous temple – Mahabaleshwara. There was minor drama when we were down to planning the next leg of our trip – Abeer always changes his mind every 20mins. Something he proudly calls not planning and going with the flow. I wasn’t following the flow cuz it changes streams and directions all too many times. We finally settled on our Kerala tour map and planned the next leg of the trip.

It’s amazing how a change in destination and setting can change or alter your relationship. I had been on mini 1s with him but this was our 1^st big one. I like how much of a beach bum, raw and amazing Abeer gets in such places. Like me, he is a water baby. The tropics calm us. The intimacy takes several detours (all good 1s) and vacation romancing your boyfriend is a new thrill. I was sold. I was excited for more exhaustive days ahead and having really chilled at Gokarna, I was all set to rough it out. 1 of the memorable moments of this trip was trekking it to Om beach for a romantic dinner at Namaste Café and beers at the Dolphin Café. We witnessed a live police drill with the youngest graduates of the Gokarna Police Acad versus some long term hippies (I guess that’s the term) who indulged alternately in water and beer and had interesting conversations that made no dynamic sense on a beach. We still felt like it was the right place. 

Sunset at Om beach from Dolphin Cafe -
the perfect perch to capture this view!
P.S. Recommend a beer with a loved 1 :)

I miss Gokarna. I do. I miss what it gave me till Sunday 17:00pm IST. It gave me my Abeer in a very loving interesting fun crazy and himself form. It gave me his and mine 1^st trip. It gave me his time and some of his undivided attention. It gave me backpacking story –I’ll be honest this was barely backpacking in the true sense and I am looking fwd to a new rugged 1. It gave me a weekend away from the city and some of its prime evils. It gave me until it decide to take some… (next post)

Backpacker (Mumbai): Creating diaries!

“A true traveller has no destination.” Excerpts from an anon source and modified by me. Smart effects of 30 I think…

It was a random mention by Abeer about adding Gokarna to our travel. By now he and I had ‘travelled’ many exotic locations in conversations over Starbucks offerings and some of our delectable meals over the many metro adventures we had traversed post-work. I wanted the Kerala experience with the backwaters and the romance in the air with tropical sunsets, dewy mornings, golden skin and bare minimum clothing. Yep I did. I needed more than a single tree and a pavement and unwelcome stares at my higher hemmed skirt. Gokarna - which until now was a familiar sounding town in my basic geography- landed on my holiday trail as the biggest tourist destination. 

Curly and packed up Kat

I read up n researched it like my beau does about things. I grew more and more fascinated. I worked feverishly through my whole work quota well before time and managed somehow to finish 3 weeks’ worth of work in 1 week. Behaved like a million dollars lay at the end of this trip. For me this was more than a trip. It was time away. Away from the city and gadgets and comforts and all that was familiar. It was uncorrupted organic time with Abeer which would involve looking at each other instead of phone screens and sharing real emotions instead of expressing them through startlingly and readily available smileys on EVERY social medium. It was important to me. Our 1^st trip away. Esp. with the jolt of dealing with unplanned or cancelled trips in the recent past.

My love

I agreed to go rustic and backpack – live like how he did. I wasn’t afraid to explore cuz I had the best guide who had literally been-there-done-that. His experience and “who plans!?!”  attitude appealed to me. We were perfect. I planned and cribbed and called and informed ahead. He just trudged along and made decisions that lay enroute. I was afraid that if I didn’t bring up the trip once in a while or discuss or plan it, it would cease to exist save for a few notes in my calendar. That’s why when Abeer’s office folks granted him the leaves; even courtesy checking with me for the EXACT dates, I was floored. J

As tradition goes, we fought before the trip. Actually, we don’t fight anymore. We have maun vratts (silent treatment) followed by exchange of caustic to citrusy dialogues. Until one of us adds some much needed sugar to balance the flavours and bring back the love. Yep… we are pastry. Since Abeer is the natural chef between us… he usually adds the sugar and I am more than happy to be dusted with all that icing. So we made up a day before the trip, packed a few hours before the trip, had a squabble and make up enroute to the 1^st leg of the trip and then settled in as us. We were kids. I wanted JUST that. Thus began our train diaries on the Ltt-Mangalore Matsyagandha Express. Until the train didn’t jolt its start from the station, I ceased to believe that the journey had begun indeed.

Sunset from the door of the Matsyagandha Express

Here on I looked forward to some LSD between Abeer and moi. I realized I should’ve carried my Nikon camera cuz the perils of clicking from your phone is that you spend the next hour instagramming it, checking for likes and comments, grumbling and fumbling for network and then needlessly ignoring the REAL picture – us. I didn’t care for any squabbles. I wanted to be loved up and wanted to do the same to my man. Over the next 10 days <3

Gokarna – Mangalore – Kerala – Goa – Whatever randomness that lay ahead. 

The new 18

I turned 30. Yes I did. It came and went and no wave of panic, agedness or anything hit me. The only thing that perpetually bothered me was the PMS I was trying hard to ignore. Got the better of me on an occasion or 2 and even made me shed tears for trivial matters such as not having a red dress for my big day. But 30 hit no panic buttons. Overnight it did make me feel tad bit wiser (yes it does make you feel so or hits you with an illusion harder than any potent drug I suppose). But here are a few things I realized and put down. Mind you, these are for my own reference when my wits get the better of me considering here on forward ‘ageing’ is the new growing.

-          You are officially considered an adult. Your 20s could be forgiven and all blame could be laid on the growing years. But the big 3 0, just changes everything. There is no one to blame and no situation to salvage you. Period. This wave hit me when my dad wished me at midnight and added “now that you are 32 do something meaningful with your life and please find the time to settle down as well”. And what did I reply? “Errrr… Papa I am only 30” Father attempts to hide a glare :D

-          You take care of you. You are now a responsible adult. Your actions are either totally ignored (rational: he/she is managing his/her life) or really examined under a microscope like a new outbreak of TB strain (rational: to assess how well you’ve been raised and add the occasional ‘tch tch tch’ when the situation goes kaput)

-          Now there will be wider and more stronger speculation of my marital status ‘30 and unmarried’. It’s already begun FYI.

-          30 makes you question your health, your life, your choices, etc. even though eeevveeryythhing could be running super smooth.

-          For some strange reason financial planning and investments have made a tiny cornerstone in my mind. I hate finance except when it’s flooding my account and continues to flood J P.S. I am hoping the 30s make them flood rather than trickle. But it’s really comforting to have an independence and liberty where you depend on no one and expect nothing. Swiping your card for a not-needed dress or an exorbitant food/wine experience without having to answer to anyone is so empowering (this involves convincing yourself with the disclaimer “You only live once”)

-          I have begun to look at the same people differently. Somebody I would usually avoid or ignore, I now feel like comforting them under my wing. Seriously had to slap myself awake from that delusion.

-          I am FINALLY comfortable starting a sentence with “this generation ahead of us….” *Phew… breathe breathe…* That’s cuz most of them are radically useless and I seriously question their role in contributing to the average IQ of a human being. Case in point: when I ran into a swarm of these creatures at the Sunburn Arena for the recently much hyped DeadMau5 concert. Both Abeer and I including a rare few of our mental breed looked like we were attacked by these creatures. That was a close shave…  

-          There is more comfort and acceptability of one’s self the way they are – shape, size, color, behavior, mentality etc. and then comes the outburst to protect all the above turfs. Damn straight yo. That’s why when a few commented quite cheekily on my weight making it sound like I was the cutest baby on a calendar, I let them in on the fact that I was more fabulous than they think of themselves… Ok this is a bit much. To be fair SATC had played recently and the ego and the over use of the term ‘fabulous’ took me to another level. I am now safely down back to earth and groveling in the mud to lose the excess baggage.

-          I realized that my battle with weight had hit a new note in my head. Although I was blessed with a man who simply adored my curves and more, I needed to keep a check on them. The curves should not become a full circle. I always knew that I wanted to be fit and age appropriate without seeming too desperate or fighting age by raiding a 16 year old’s wardrobe. Therefore, I designed the perfect regime to get my version of the perfect body. WIP

-          Now this 1s a kicker: As much as every pal I knew was using my bday as an excuse to wish me in advance for an impending engagement and wedding, I maintained that I would not want to ruin the element of surprise for myself. There are something’s just sacred and remembered best when they come least expected. This was 1 of them. Getting married was not a race I wanted to win by coaxing the boyfriend and frightening him into simply occupying my ring finger. It is still a sacred and sacrosanct union I wish for with elements of surprise and the knowledge that it came unprovoked and from a genuinely comfortable and sure heart. So all of you… stop holding your breath this long or I won’t have any invites to send out.

-          The mother knows everything and I have stopped hiding or sugarcoating things. Rational: she can no longer chase me or give me a pasting. Bwahahaha

-          For some really strange reason my liver has decided to cooperate with me when mixing alcohol and having long nights of partying. And I am talking of 9pm to 6am where I am the MOST sober person with 0 hangover issues and all my seasoned pals are nursing the aftereffects. ‘You go girl!’ *talking to the liver*

-          I find my temper receding and my patience level going up 10 notches. Letting go and forgiving comes naturally. Sometimes I’m pissed at myself for having the tolerance and wish to remain angry for a while. Doesn’t work. Crazy…

-          I am constantly looking for intellectual people and experiences. Someone or something who can add more value to my life and more so now. The ‘been-there-done-that’ or ‘trending’ stuff just don’t appeal to me. If the whole world is facing 1 way, I do not seriously mind facing the other way. Something really soothing about that.

-          Dealing with boyfriend and possessiveness issues has an alternate vent. It’s either another ear or another coping mechanism. I find myself letting him be whoever and whatever he is because seriously, 1 can never change people and the same applies to me. You can only try to better yourself for yourself and those you love and it comes purely from self-motivation. I have a few areas I am working on and successfully managed to battle a few in the last few months. Yaaaaay!

-          Going vintage: Now this 1’s a new high I have hit recently. Thanks to my loving and equally encouraging and enthusiastic Abeer, I have been hitting all the old and gold spots of the city and around. The travel and food and living and loving. Very under the radar and KISS (Keeping It Simple Silly). Learning new facts about old things and hitting the classics holds new excitement. Recently took Abeer to my birth place and the building I 1^st lived in and shared with my naani. The surrounding neighborhood etc. Realized I was extremely possessive about that spot.

-          I have a cat. A pet. I can afford. And have stories and pictures and anecdotes about. And I love being called the cat lady or the catty lady ;)

-          For the 1^st time ever I am enjoying food like I have never enjoyed before. Eating everything under the sun including the butter and cheese and what not and NOT CARING. Realizing that you DO NOT balloon up overnight. But your skin sure does shine and when the mother insists I get my 1^st ever facial and the parlor lady retorts her resilience to touch my skin…. Aah bliss.

-          Maternal and nurturing instincts kick in BIIIG time. I seriously look at little creatures (animals and kids) and just wish to take care of them. I always wanna make everything comfortable and perfect for my family and Abeer and my mind wanders only to those elements. It comes very easily with no element of laziness or stinginess. That’s why I guess the Abeer and the Elsa are spoilt and continue to tap dance on my nerves on occasion. Grrrrrrrrrrr

-          As much as your body does you good, it also shows you the effect of hitting an era. Your weight, BMI, BMR, bones, joints, aches, pains, healing, injuries and what not all change clock – usually aiming for slowing down and taking their own sweet time. When a workout would quickly get me back to gear, it takes longer and harder to do the same now. Of course, I’m guilty of having subjected it to some seriously damning wear and tear (the saga of the 2 knees and the shattered tooth). But it’s all in the mind and I am working towards tricking my body into thinking its 16. No seriously… I’m not kidding >-/

-          Cooking and more homely activities not only appeal to me but I take it up like some innovative science project. Jhaadoo and katkaa is the new Indian workout in the morning (don’t forget the svelte figures the maids sport). Cooking is an adventure thanks to international food stores and local banyas. Not to forget all the hottie chefs on TLC and food channels who make it look supremely easy. Besides its good for the boyfriend’s soul *wink*

-          That new checkbox on all forms. I pause before I tick it. Sigh

-          Lastly (I think this is the last 1), I really am glad that I am 30, flirty and thriving. I have more than I can afford or own and I sense contentment. There is nothing I would change. Instead, there is much I would improve rather than just abandoning them and looking for new stories to weave.  

 That's all folks (30+)