NOTEBOOK Lovers

Don and Maxine Simpson in their last moments together.

“Cause I give you all of me. And you give me all of you…” Lyrics from ‘All of me’

by John Legend dedicated to his wife Chrissy Teigen

The stuff of love and legends could be summed up in music and stories over the years. There’s a reason why some relationships are termed fairytales and stories. Their rarity and essence is hard to digest and encompass by modern day folks who treat any form of love selfishly and with a *conditions applied approach.

I have much to write to the testimony of love that I have understood, read, witnessed and a fraction of which I have been lucky to experience. Yet it would never do absolute justice to the feeling and the actions that went behind expressing them. I think that love is easy to feel and toughest to express. Even when the opposite person knows you love them or how much you love them… they still never quite have the right idea of it and hence are never able to return that love at the same wavelength. Love is also often mistaken with lust, temporary insanity of the heart or available affection. Probably >50% of true love is never reciprocated or expressed in its entirety in a lifetime. I have no qualms telling Abeer I love him almost 8-10 times a day. But when expressing to my parents, I hesitate because we never quite said it out loud. Just embraced or looked at each other and understood so – assumed the other one did too.

I stumbled upon Gordon and Norma Yeager’s story of being married 72 years and passing away within an hour of each other, report in the Dailymail. Followed by Don and Maxine Simpson’ story of wedded bliss for 62 years and passing away within an hour of each other, report in the Mumbai Mirror. Both couples were in their 90s. I looked at their very simple stories of pre-depression, post-depression, pre and post WWII story and their seemingly simple lives. They probably never made headlines or even daily news in their lifetime save for the single most difficult achievement ever – commitment and love till death indeed did them apart, that they had promised each other. Their pictures speak a million words and the simplicity and expression of their love is what’s fascinating as it is devoid of today’s PDA and senseless nudity captured on each and every medium. I could share 1 meaningful kiss in a day and be content but there are those who must near-copulate in public to reflect the same. Gordon-Norma and Don-Maxine’s stories are strewn across social mediums and news media because of the impact their lives had. That it is indeed THAT rare to find that 1 person for you and MAKE it work till the end. Their lives was certainly not a rose garden for 60-70 years. And yet, here they are holding hands and gone already. I knew of only 1 such couple in real life. I knew them as Roy uncle and Aunty. Old Bengali couple in their 50’s or 60’s full of life and so darned beautiful. Roy uncle passed away thanks to his long term parallel love affair with alcohol and smoking. Aunty followed suite because honestly, I couldn’t solve the equation without them not being  together. I saw her days before she died and I knew then this was true love. I was less than 10 years old.

John Legend’s song ‘All of me’ has reached the #1 spot in my personal chartbusters bumping off Seal’s ‘Kiss from a Rose’ and 1 Republic’s ‘If I lose myself tonight’ among many others. It tugs the right strings and right notes as I well up each time I listen to it. That’s why I deliberately refrain from listening to it in public as I don’t wish to be a puddle of mush and have to explain why all of a sudden did I need to vent a few tears. The lyrics are powerful and simple ‘All of me and all of you’. Something we DO NOT do anymore. A part of us is at home, part at work, most part in our gadgets and personal effects, part in our relationships, part in ourselves, part divided over and over again everywhere. That’s why we never have 1 place and 1 person to give it all to. Selfishness and insecurity (acc. to me) being the primary factors to hold back and not let someone in your life and share and accept you as YOU ARE or not making enough effort to accept others as they are. It is the single most delightful, relief riddled and exhilarating feeling when you know how much YOU mean to SOMEONE else. And even more that the person felt open and comfortable enough to express it to you, leaving them open and vulnerable aka trusting you to treasure it than destroy it.

I intended to express the song and the 2 love stories. And here I am ~4 paras down. I just hope, wish, pray and beg for this level of rawness, openness and generosity of love in my life as did these people. And I hope that I do not have to stay back and watch it fade away.

Wishful thinking gal…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=450p7goxZqg

I do

Such powerful words, I do.

It’s a declaration, a promise, a solemnity, a commitment, a secret, a decision, a communication, a signature, a word (or 2)… Just 2 fragile yet very powerful words change your life. For the best or for something new and beautiful to start and experience; at your own discretion and your own judgement.

I was blessed to attend 3 weddings in 2 months (would’ve been 5 if not for a folly). Usually a recluse from such events, I decided to stop avoiding them and go to celebrate my friends and their newfound love path. I attended my 1^st north Indian (UP) style wedding, my 1^st Goan AND Catholic ceremony and then a South Indian Shetty wedding. All were beautiful, very different and I was glad I made the trip to them all. First was an impromptu drop and must-visit to a UP style wedding. It was a dear friend’s sister’s nuptials. Very grand and in true north style spared no expense and glory in celebrating it. Well… at least someone was celebrating the girl child and her heart's desires. I wasn’t able to stay long but the friend ensured I didn’t miss a glimpse of the bride and her husband as they walked from the dressing room to the grand display that awaited them. Then came the Goan catholic wedding for a friend (no longer just so-n-so’s brother). We shared a special unlikely friendship and I decided to take the odd hour flights and do the dance and song solo. It was worth it except I missed my man a lot. The whole ceremony and celebration was traditional yet with a modern kick to it. I enjoyed every bit of it. The last 1 was another very dear friend whom I have managed to keep in touch with over 4yrs since I met him in Capoeira class. Ours was and remains and unlikely friendship that has an annual meeting or 2 (if he flies down) and we share all our updates over 1 meal. This time he dropped the bomb that he was getting married. A mirror image in life and thinking to my Abeer; this guy was extremely stand up and a thorough gentleman. I was happy for him and incidentally managed to make it to his wedding and reception.

The 1s I missed and really wished to have attended in person were my friends (1 former boss) Reny and Vanessa. The latter’s was a plan that went kaput and I am still seething with rage over the 1s responsible. Anyways… The common thread that tied all of these was unlike the general image of Indian weddings: loud and coerced. All my friends married their sweethearts of their choices (nothing arranged). All had traditional weddings keeping their communities and rituals in mind but nothing was over the top. If anything, they were grand in their celebration of the couple rather than the money spent on everything. I love that. Where the couple is and remains in focus for good reason. At the church, I expected a long sermon of extracts of the bible. What I witnessed was a priest who knew the couple as young babies and now grown graceful adults, who knew their inherent natures and who pointed this out aptly at the ceremony. This was refreshingly beautiful and I listened intently to how a tailor made ceremony for the duo was conducted. At the Shetty wedding, the ceremony lasted for but an hour and it was full of humor and smiles. The groom’s parents took a backseat while his older married sister and her husband aided the ceremony and ensured all went well. And even though I did not attend Reny and Vanessa’s weddings, from the pictures and the people I know I can closely imagine their nuptials and the what it must have meant to them and their families.

These restore my faith in the institution itself. I never shied away from it even though my parent’s didn't set an ideal example. But then again they did separate and find peace for themselves – a painful decision they made. There are marriages where a couple may live till death did them apart but as a relief – sad. My personal thoughts have been more to build a life with someone, make it complete, a home, maybe pets, maybe children. The pets and children are HUGE life churners and it’s something I would do only in partnership with my better half and not alone. Hence, the ‘maybes’. But I never lost hope in the institution of marriage. It’s but a ceremony to celebrate and solemnize your love. I think of it as very unique and individualistic. One is free to make a marriage of their own barred by society standards (unless you are a slave to societal standards).  The truth is on the surface everyone pretends to live by the ‘blind’ rules. If you peek inside there are secrets to families and wedded bliss that you weren't aware of.

This I cannot share with my cynical beau. He is convinced that the way to a good life is a bachelor’s life. Which is neither wrong nor right. But just like media and society flame stories of the evil mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law, boss vs. reportees there are the equally gregarious gags and quips on the husband-wife relationship. Where the husband is the emotional fool who fell into a trap that expires at the end of his natural life. I laugh too. But I also find it ridiculous when a wife is the poster-child for ‘entrapment’. Any life decision is purely your own or with the 1s you love. If you suffer, you suffer together, if you’re happy… well the general outcome is happiness together. Even though my witty half periodically announces his allergy to this phase of life, I turn away for not wanting to be influenced by it. I am not a cynic in love and enjoy a comfortable hopeless romantic tag. Just last month I went about planning a 1yr anniversary like it was 25yrs together. I knew it was over the top but in mind it was what I wanted to share with Abeer and there was no rule defining what was too much or too less. I know that for the rest of my life I will celebrate love with grandeur and gratitude because it’s the 1 thing we take for granted in its presence and then pine for it in its absence. This worries some of my friends who think I will burn badly (irreparably) if things were to fall kaput. I think that if I am with a man whose lack of belief in the institution of marriage hasn't phased me then surely I am in love enough to have faith that what lies ahead will also be good. I really wonder how I would celebrate 25yrs of togetherness. Hmmm!

Recently Abeer and I ‘lived’ together for 2 months. It gave me a whole new perspective to living with him. We did stay like it was make shift for 2 mnths and there were days where admittedly I wanted to bash him up or I felt hurt badly. There were some serious ups and downs, yet most days made me realize that on a bigger scale he was the 1 for me and I pined for him to walk in through the main door and go to bed at night with me… and yes the furball Elsa. I loved it. I’m addicted to it and now I ‘pine for it’. Here’s congratulations to all my friends who found and celebrated their love with a ceremonial union, to those looking – it’s out there… and to my cynical oh-so-funny beau Abeer… I love you more each day and that puzzles me <3